Reunited...& it feels so good.

2012-01-21T12:17:00.002-06:00

I'm having a lot of trouble with my blogging. I want to blog. I have stories to share and document but every time I start to post something, I'm overcome with anxiety about just doing it. It's the strangest thing. So today I'm going to attempt to ignore the beating in my heart and my trembling fingers and just write. I want to document this story for myself more than anything but I'd love to also share it with you, my friends.

As you all know, Brian and I split up late last year and I moved out on November 1st with the kids. At the time, I felt it was my only option. (Let me state that any problems he and I have had are the fault of both of us.) We share the fault in the breakdown of our marriage over the previous year but we also share the joy in the rebuilding of it, the strength we've seen and the obstacles we've overcome in a short period of time to get to where we are now, which is a place of strength and great love.

The entire time that I had been away and living somewhere else, I felt like it was the right thing to do. I would pray and pray and ask God to show me what I was supposed to do. I was getting nothing back. I felt like no answer meant I was doing the right thing. So I was living my life for the next 3 weeks. I felt A LOT of anger towards my husband, to put it mildly. I didn't miss him. I didn't talk to him unless it was about the kids. I felt very cold and full of anger. It was like the past year had built up inside me and became a frozen statue where my heart was supposed to be.

3 weeks later, I ended up getting some free tickets to a Gungor concert up north in Springfield, IL. This also included getting to meet them back stage. I was ecstatic and found out it was a teen convention. I asked my friend's teenage daughter to go with me and we headed up there. I had no idea what was in store for me this night. On the way up there, I still felt cold and angry. I also felt like even tho this was a long way to go, I really needed to be there.

So we arrived and got to meet the band and hang out backstage with them.(awesomeness) They are an amazing group of talented & super funny musicians. They are all so amazing.

(Me, my friend on the right & Gungor)

My favorite song of theirs is Beautiful Things.

"You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us."

I'm standing in the 3rd row watching this amazing band play all these instruments and have so much fun while they're on stage. (I highly recommend seeing them in concert. Their videos don't do justice to the experience of seeing them perform live.) I'm surrounded by teenagers who are praising God and having so much fun. Then all of a sudden they start singing a song that touches me to the core of my being. I have no explanation to what happened to me, other than God answered my prayer.

I was listening to them sing this song and I literally felt the "ice" that had built up inside me melt away. I felt it disinegrate inside me. It was the most amazing experience. I was listening to them sing "Father, heal your world, Make all things new". He is the only One who can make all things new. When we don't see a way, He can make one.
I broke down and felt like I had to go back to Brian. Now. I had to make it right and while things may not be great and we don't see a way, we'll figure it out along the way.
Let me tell you something about me...when I get an idea or have something to do. I am overcome by the need to do it NOW. I have no patience and have to do something about it to feel better. Does that make any sense?
We leave this amazing concert and head home which was about a 3 hour drive. I didn't get home until 2am. In the meantime, I texted Brian and said I needed to talk to him the next morning when he got off work. His response was "Are you wanting a divorce? Because I can't handle that right now." (He always assumes the worst, lol.) I told him I just needed to talk to him.

I get home and am exhausted! But I can't go to sleep because my mind won't stop.
Being typical "me", I pray and ask for "one more" sign just to know I'd be doing the right thing to move back. I pray these exact words: "I don't know how it will work and I don't know what will happen but I trust You that if it's what I'm supposed to do that you will make it work."
A few hours later, I wake up and open my Jesus Calling devotional to November 19th (that day).
This is what I read....
Leave outcomes up to Me. Follow Me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out. Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion. Live in the now, concentraing on staying in step with Me. When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help. When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence. Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to Me.
You already know the ultimate destination of your journey: your entrance into heaven. So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me.
I seriously laughed when I finished reading it and shouted "Ok, I get it!!!!" ha! If you're not familiar with the Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young, it's written as if Jesus is talking to you. I love it so much! It's a really fantastic devotional.

I saw Brian later that morning when he got home from work. I told him what happened the previous night and he wanted me to move back in asap. He welcomed me with tears and love. If there's one thing I can say about Brian throughout our break-ups, problems and marital ups and downs, it's that his love has never wavered for me. He has a love for me, despite everything between us, that he has never failed to show me. He is truly an amazing man. I am so blessed and I'm so thankful. I moved back home the week of Thanksgiving and we all had a happy & wonderful Thanksgiving together.
Since that time, we've both been in marital counseling and feel stronger and happier than ever.

One of my favorite marriage quotes (& it's so true) is this:
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
-Mignon McLaughlin

It's hard and it takes work...but it's worth it.
I'm so thankful for my husband, our family and for God who never leaves us, even when we feel empty and lonely. He's there...waiting to make all things new again.

Inspired Mess

Reunited...& it feels so good.